Then and now: infamous so-called 'bodybuilder' and shamed pseudoscientist Vince Basile has been dealt a fresh blow after a drunken night of passion resulted in his accidental decapitation.

Outside a small, dilapidated shack on Australia’s famed Manly Beach, Vince Basile rolls around in the sand and squeals excitedly as a group of pre-pubescent boys jog by. But Vince is no longer your run-of-the-mill, overweight sex offender; the man once dubbed ‘The Queenscliff Cock-Spotter’ now sports the body of a Hampshire swine.

‘Well, you could say it all came to a head last week, but really, I’ve been engaged in this sort of malarkey for years’, Vince quipped. ‘I’ve always been a bit of a pervert, truth be told. I remember laying down by the shoreline for almost every weekend of my mid-thirties. I’d steal my wife’s lipstick and smear big streaks across my face if I spotted some young lads nearby. I’d writhe around in feigned agony and scream “JELLYFISH!!! AAAHHH, IT BURNS!!! JELLYFISH!!” Nine times out of ten, they’d gather round me and piss on my face… I loved it. Bloody loved it.’

‘I guess things just escalated from there. I couldn’t stop. Soon, I developed a taste for things a bit more taboo. You know… dark meat. Blacks.’ That’s basically how it happened. Some of those lads don’t know their own strength – especially after a few weeks on my shitty supination machine.’

Vince chuckled: ‘Basically, I got my head buggered clean off my shoulders! He had the thrust of an Airbus A380. Things got particularly vigorous when I was down on all fours, and before you know it, everything just started spinning.’

However, the paunchy deviant, age 79, was unexpectedly saved when the Italian neuroscientist Dr. Sergio Canavero stepped in last-minute to carry out the world’s first successful ‘cephalosomatic anastomosis.’

But Vince, who now has twelve nipples and can ejaculate for half an hour, remains unrepentant. ‘Oh, it won’t stop me. No chance. I just need a new angle. I used to always lie on my Grindr bio and claim I was hung like a horse, but “hung like a pig” hardly has the same ring to it, does it? I doubt many young lads are particularly thrilled over the thought of encountering a corkscrew penis, but I’ll think of a way to market it.’

When our team approached Dr. Canavero outside his office and asked why he didn’t simply just reattach Vince’s head back onto his own body, he froze for a few seconds and furrowed his brow. ‘Ahh… fuck. Fuck sake. I guess I didn’t really think of that. A pig just seemed more fitting at the time.’