The small green creature of Star Wars fame has been hired by the United States Border Patrol as part of a new program to curtail illegal immigration.

You think you're in the clear, all ready to enter the United States and begin a new life, away from the rampant corruption and poverty of your native country. Your family hasn't seen another living soul in the vast wilderness since the beginning of the journey. Suddenly, you hear the high pitched screaming of a four-cylinder engine banging on the rev limiter. At the crest of a small hill, a small coupe springs into view, rapidly advancing toward you. This is the reality of the United States Border Patrol's latest program, in which they seek to hire civilian contractors from the private sector to patrol sections of the US-Mexico border. As part of initial testing, the agency has hired Yoda as one of these civilian contractors.

“It’s incredible” says Border Patrol agent John White. “I’ve never seen anything like it. Just today, I’ve personally watched him run over more than two dozen minorities.”

Other agents have similarly powerful anecdotes.

“I’ve been on several ride-alongs with him” says agent Daniel Jones. “It’s a non-stop thrill. You spend hours screaming along at 100+ miles per hour. All he does is make weird little grunting noises and ramble about Ketamine. Eventually, we’ll stumble across a person or group of people attempting to enter the country illegally and of course, we’ll neutralize the threat with the high speed physical intercept apparatus.”

“The test phase of the program has been a resounding success thus far,” states Supervisor Craig Smith. “It has the potential to allow us to greatly reduce our budget. All we have to do is supply him with fuel, ketamine, and perform maintenance on his 2001 Honda Civic. Sometimes he doesn’t stop for days. He’ll pull back into base camp only for a fresh tank of gas and some ketamine and screech off down the road again. I believe he’s neutralized over 1000 minorities in the past 3 months. We might not actually need to hire anyone else.”